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Saturday, June 20, 2015

My heart says .... Do you have a Father?

This simple question hurts me for I really don’t have a father anymore.  He died before I was born.  My mother was four months pregnant with me when somebody killed him.  Imagine how much her grief was that made me felt all her whole being like a time bomb about to explode on “the little me”  while still in her womb. Because of my grandmother’s pleading, she decided not to let that “time bomb” explode on me. She was a cry-cry mother that made me also a cry-cry baby (emotional) until now. My mother became a widow at a young age of 27 and he was just 32 years old.  I just saw his looks in an old picture frame and another small picture my mother gave me.  The memory of him as narrated by my mother describes him as a very responsible, loving husband and a father to my three oldest siblings.   

I didn’t question God why He allowed him to be killed at a young age.  But I began to question Him when my eldest brother died who stood as the head of our family then. It was a terrible day for every family members especially, me, to know about his car accident. The first and last time we saw each other after five years of absence in my country was in 2010 and then he died the following year. Oh my! How time flies so fast.  Yes, four years has passed and the memory still lingers on. That day was the lowest moment of my life because I wasn’t able to control my emotions to question Him already. He died before  reaching his last birthday of the same year. He was a very responsible and loving husband and father to his five children also. 

Because of my personal experiences, I wonder how many more husbands have died in an accident and left their families behind helpless and have nothing? How many more widows have suffered in order to cope with their financial and emotional traumas? How many more children have felt abandoned, neglected, and confused and fall prey to exploitation and abuses after being orphaned by their parents? …..

But I still feel lucky because my mother passed all the trials and difficulties of bringing up her four children, especially me. My dear mother, who assumed the dual role as a mother and father, showed courage during her weakest moments of her life and tried to be strong because of us.  Memories of her sacrifices, hard work, and perseverance made  us realize that we need to be as strong as my mother and to work hard for the improvement of our life and future.

To move the chapter of my life fast forward, my elder daughter called me to inform me that  my mother needs me very badly, so I need to come home. Something pierced my heart that I felt guilty that I should not have left her when she was bedridden initially last January.  She had another fall and was hospitalized. I made a firm decision, in spite of all odds.  I quit my job and packed up  all my things just to be with her and decided to take care of her in her old age. I don’t want to lose another loved one without even seeing her for the last time.  
While at home already, she has been having a hard time retaining much of her short-term memory, but her long-term memory is still vivid.  One time, while by her bedside, she mentioned about me not being able to see my own father.  She felt terribly sad about it and so with me.  But what makes me sadder is when she can’t recognize me anymore most of the time.  Understanding that I will also grow old someday, I asked my eldest daughter one time, if she will take care of me, too,  and she replied immediately with a big “Yes.”  This made me happy,  at least.

I wrote this article to inspire other children who don’t have a father anymore or lost their father due to illness or accident, like myself.  It’s not yet the end of the world for us.  It’s  the beginning of what it takes to be a good son or daughter that can make your own lost father be proud of you someday. Keep their memories in your heart.  For those who still have their father living with them, I would like to encourage them to show their love and respect not only during this celebration, but always and everyday.  If my own father and brother are only still alive today, I would have made a handmade gift in honor of them. Instead, I  would like to invite you to read the poem I dedicated to my father as shown below.


Far away, many miles I have traveled
In the journey of life,
Where no one knows its end,
How I got lost,
And where at the most.

My heart beats so fast as I ponder
Where I’m heading to,
Confusion dwells in my mind,
Pains taking my breath away,
Wishing I shouldn’t have gone this way.

Only if you were with me,
I would never have felt
This life never I thought I would have,
For I’m weak and can’t survive,
Wishing I shouldn’t be alive.

My heart being torn apart,
My soul being blown away,
No place to put myself back in,
No one to rely on,
How long must I go on?

Where were you?
Longing to hold me tight,
With warm, assuring hands that never fail,
Every time I stumble and in pain,
Giving me strength never in vain..

Where were you?
When I needed you most,
My heart longing for you,
Left behind to struggle,
Trials so hard to handle.

Where were you?
Wishing you didn’t leave me behind,
Maybe life would be different,
With your guidance to abound,
To show me where and when to turn around.

Father and Daughter
What a beautiful sight to look at! A father comforting her daughter when she cries and turns to him for refuge no matter what the reason she holds in her heart. Seldom have we seen this scene between father and daughter because it has been always a daughter turning to her mother in times of needs. I really love this picture. How I wish I’m in my own father’s arms in this picture!

“Happy Father’s Day”
 To all fathers of this beautiful world!!!


"Whatever your heart feels and says,  it is the essence of who you are, what you are, and how you are.  Your heart is the engine of your body.  Maintain a good, healthy heart and be glad you did.”  

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